World Cup Awards 2014

It’s all over. Finished. After 31 days of blanket media coverage, tense and exciting and football and the frankly disturbing sight of Gordon Strachan in shorts, the 2014 World Cup is at an end. Up and down the country bleary-eyed blokes are re-acquainting themselves with their partners, desperately trying to remember what they used to do with their evenings (I speak from personal experience), while football hipsters take a moment off from deciding whether to go for crimson, salmon or magenta trousers today to wonder if spending £10 million on Divock Origi on the basis of a reasonable 15 minutes against Russia is a good idea and how to justify the purchase of a season ticket to Borussia Moenchengladbach.
Lots of the recent rhetoric over the tournament has been over whether this has been THE BEST WORLD CUP EVER. After the group stage, the general consensus was ‘yes,’ at the end of the quarter-finals the answer had changed to ‘no, definitely not,’ and the current trend of thought is ‘yes, but…’ In comparison to recent World Cups, and in particular the turgid snooze-fest that occurred in South Africa, this tournament has been a breath of fresh air. Even the goal-light knockout stages were big on tension and drama (penalty shoot-outs always help); most teams continued to commit to attacking play, and even those that didn’t were admirable in their defensive organisation and stubbornness.
Yet, despite all the entertainment there still persists the feeling that the tournament as a whole lacked a certain what the Germans would call Ich weiβ nicht was. Great tournaments of the past have been illuminated by great teams and great individuals (Hungary 1954, Holland and West Germany 1974, Brazil 1982, Maradona 1986, Ronaldo 1998). History may yet inform us that this Germany team will go on to be great – the average age of the starting XI was 27 years 271 days and, with the exception of Miroslav Klose, Philipp Lahm and possibly Bastian Schweinsteiger, you would expect them all to be around for 2018 at least – but at the moment they are merely extraordinarily promising.
There were, however, two epoch-defining matches, matches which will, in years to come, still be discussed in the awed tones with which people of a certain generation talk about Italy v Brazil in 1982, or even Hungary v Uruguay in 1954. I am referring, of course, to Spain 1 Holland 5 and Germany 7 Brazil 1. Neither game can be described as a classic, given the result was obvious long before the end, but in the dethroning of one of the most successful international teams of all time, and the brutal destruction of the fragile Brazilian dream of a sixth World Cup victory, on home soil to boot, we witnessed two great World Cup stories.
Anyway, enough chat – it’s now time for some awards. For non-German recipients, hopefully the knowledge that they have aroused the admiration of two such discerning football watchers as us will be consolation for not winning the actual tournament itself.

Best Player: Arjen Robben (Netherlands)
RDW: I know the Adidas –sponsored Lionel Messi won the Adidas-sponsored FIFA Golden Ball (otherwise known as the FIFA Award for the Highest-Profile Player to have had a Half-Decent Tournament), but there can’t be too many who seriously believe he deserved the award. James Rodriguez and Juan Cuadrado were outstanding in an aesthetically-pleasing Colombia team, while Neymar coped with the extreme pressure of being the hosts’ poster-boy admirably. Further back, Javier Mascherano raised his game to almost obscene levels in the semi-final and final, while Phillip Lahm is, without wishing to conform too much to national stereotypes, probably the most efficient footballer in the world – he just never does anything wrong. However, in every game he played Robben looked by far and away the most dangerous player on the pitch. He has the rare ability to run as fast with the ball as without it, and the way he toyed with Spain’s defenders prior to his second goal was mesmeric. If only he passed the ball occasionally.
Best Player: Philipp Lahm (Germany)
DDW: I have run out of superlatives to describe this most underrated of players. Lahm started off in central midfield but was moved by Joachim Löw to his favoured right-back position and what an inspired move it turned out to be. There are other more flashy full-backs in world football, but none more effective. Yes Götze, Kroos and Müller may have grabbed the headlines for Deutschland but they would not have been the assured footballing machine without their captain marvel Lahm. He does the donkey work behind the scenes – selflessly overlapping, brilliantly tackling, confidently passing. A World Cup that was full of goals and attacking football and still a defender wins our best player award (no FIFA/Adidas Messi love-in here). That’s how good Lahm is.

Best Goal: Tim Cahill v Holland
There were some pretty fruity goals in Brazil – Lionel Messi v Iran and Xherdan Shaqiri v Honduras both floated inside from the right before curling a delightful left-footer inside the far corner, Andre Schürrle v Algeria and David Villa v Australia treated us to a couple of lovely backheel flicks, and James Rodriguez’s delicate finish against Japan was delicious, but I’m not being particularly controversial when I say there are three goals that really stood out. Robin van Persie’s diving header lob against Spain was a triumph of innovation, while the aforementioned Rodriguez brilliantly found space against Uruguay before chesting the ball down and nonchalantly stroking the ball in on the volley off the underside of the crossbar. As everyone knows, any goal that goes in via the crossbar is scientifically proven to be 72% more enjoyable than one that does not, so this is a very strong candidate, but Cahill’s effort during Australia’s thrilling yet ultimately futile display against the Dutch is, in my opinion, marginally better, mainly because he hit it first time, so technically it was trickier to pull off. Given the respective talent of Rodriguez and Cahill, you would say that maybe the Australian was a little lucky, but the sheer brutality and exhilaration of his shot gives it the edge.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/25285148

Best Team: Germany
No contest here really. They were the best, end-of. FIFA could have named the entire German side as the Team of the Tournament and no-one could have complained. They even managed to accommodate the pedestrian Mesut Özil. In goal, Manuel Neuer is a commanding presence, even if he does give his defenders the willies with his marauding runs out of his area. The defence of Mats Hummels, Jerome Boateng, Per Mertesacker, Benedikt Höwedes and the aforementioned Lahm were solid as a rock. The tigerish Bastian Schweinsteiger harassed the opposition constantly, allowing the creative Sami Khedeira and Toni Kroos to wreak havoc. At 36, Miroslav Klose looked a bit off the pace but he still managed two fox-in-box style finishes (as many as the entire England team). And the piece de resistance was the tireless Thomas Müller who, despite his questionable on-field behaviour, found the net with regularity. If that wasn’t enough, Andre Schurrle and Mario Götze could be called upon from the bench. An embarrassment of riches.

Worst Team: Honduras
England did their utmost to claim this prize but were just pipped to the post by the Hondurans. Football was an added extra as far as Honduras were concerned because they spent most of the time assaulting, kicking and fouling any member of the opposition unfortunate enough to be in the vague vicinity of the ball. Wilson Palacios stamped his authority (literally) on Paul Pogba in Honduras’ opening match against France, eventually getting himself sent-off after a series of ill-timed challenges, and as captain, set an example to his teammates that they admirably followed. Their saving grace was having possibly the best-named player at the World Cup in striker Carlo (insert relevant pun) Costly.

Best Defence: Costa Rica
Even if Costa Rica’s games weren’t the most exciting to watch, particularly once they’d qualified for the knockout stage, their defensive organisation and determination was admirable, showing that good coaching, discipline and trust in your teammates’ ability to adhere to a plan can be the springboard for success. Having the seemingly unbeatable Keylor Navas in goal was obviously a bit of a help – the Levante keeper with apparently 3 arms and 4 legs displayed positional excellence and startling reflexes – but the 5 players in front of him knew their job inside out, with central defensive duo Giancarlo Gonzalez and Oscar Duarte particularly impressive. Gonzalez gave probably the defensive performance of the tournament against Holland (tied with Jerome Boateng in the final), and I’d be staggered if he’s still at Columbus Crew come the end of the summer.

Best Save: Rais M’Bohli from Phillip Lahm, Algeria v Germany
RDW: The ball is laid back for Lahm, 22 yards from goal. The German skipper shoots powerfully first time, right-footed, the ball accurately curling away from the keeper, homing in on the top right-hand corner. M’Bohli, just behind the six-yard line reacts immediately and springs to his right, stretching for all his worth. It looks as though the ball has beaten him, but he just manages to get the merest touch, deflecting the ball inches wide. An astonishing save, slightly better in my opinion than any of Guillermo Ochoa’s reflex saves against Brazil or Holland, Tim Howard’s stretch to deny Portugal’s Eder and Keylor Navas’ making himself as big as possible to stop Kostas Mitroglu snatching victory for Greece against Costa Rica.
Here are M’Bohli’s best bits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrS6UCTel8E

Best Save: Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico v Holland)
DDW: There were a plethora of top goalkeeping performances in Brazil (Tim Howard v Belgium springs to mind) but the best save must go to Mexico’s stopper, Guillermo Ochoa, who from point-blank range somehow managed to deflect Daley Blind’s volley from Arjen Robben’s corner onto a post. A phenomenal effort.
Here are some of Ochoa’s highlights made by one of those youtube goons who have far too much time on their hands: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pax9GQny7tE

Best Pass: Lionel Messi (Argentina)
Get your Kleenex at the ready because this pass is technically pornography. Daley Blind’s 60-yarder for Robin Van Persie’s infamous header against Spain set the benchmark but Messi’s effort blew it out of the water. The vision to see Angel Di Maria’s run and the perfect weight of pass so Di Maria didn’t have to break stride, get me a bit hot under the collar. It’s a shame Di Maria couldn’t give the pass the fitting finish it so richly deserved.

Worst Miss: Sergio Busquets (Spain v Chile)
A category teeming with potential, Sergio Busquets is the winner of possibly the most coveted award of the tournament. With the goal literally at his mercy, Busquets decides that this is his time in the spotlight – a goal for his nation at the World Cup. But he sees an even greater prize, the opportunity to feature in Worst Misses compilation videos for years to come, and he doesn’t disappoint – sidefooting wide when it would have been easier to score. The phrase ‘my mum could have scored that’ is widely overused but in this case it is wholeheartedly applicable.
Those kind chaps at FIFA have even compiled a little video: http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/videos/y=2014/m=7/video=fifa-com-s-choice-some-of-the-biggest-misses-of-the-2014-fifa-world-cu-2405478.html

Biggest Disappointment: Belgium
There were a few candidates for this unwanted gong – England obviously, although little was expected of them, and (I know I’m in the minority here) I didn’t think they were that bad, definitely better than in 2010; Lionel Messi’s performance in the final was particularly disappointing, especially that last-second free-kick, but in mitigation he didn’t look fully fit, clutching his hamstring throughout the second half, and even on one leg made the hitherto excellent Mats Hummels look a bit ordinary. For me, however, Belgium’s failure to live up to all the pre-tournament hype was most disappointing of all. They seem to be the natural successors to England under Sven Goran Eriksson – a team full of players who do very well in the Premier League and so therefore, according to media logic (an oxymoron if ever I’ve heard one), are among the greatest players in the world, but who under-perform on the international stage. I know that I’m being hyper-critical here – nowadays in England we’d kill for an underwhelming quarter-final exit – but, 60 minutes against the USA aside, they brought little to the tournament, and their big players – Hazard, Lukaku, Fellaini, even Vincent Kompany – were below their best.

Best Game: Brazil 1-7 Germany
Yes, it wasn’t exactly a classic and not necessarily an even contest, but the manner in which Germany dismantled the Brazilians in their backyard was one of the most awesome displays of sporting dominance I have ever seen. Aided by some very accommodating Brazilian defending (if you can even call it that), the Germans demonstrated their complete supremacy over the footballing world on the biggest stage of all. Apparently they took it easy in the second half so as to spare the Brazilian team further humiliation. How very charitable of them.

Worst Game: Iran 0-0 Nigeria
Apparently England v Costa Rica was duller than watching grass grow but I actually watched this dire bore fest and its 90 minutes of my life I won’t be getting back anytime soon. The main issue was the complete dearth of talent on either side which made creating goalscoring opportunities slightly problematic. In an effort to find a winner, Nigeria threw on that renowned goal-machine, Shola Ameobi. Says it all really. After the match Iran coach Carlos Queiroz mused, “the fans didn’t see any goals but sometimes intensity, togetherness, focus and team-spirit can make for an interesting spectacle.” No it can’t.

Luckiest Player to Avoid a Red Card: Sergio Aguero v Germany
One of the most noticeable aspects of the tournament was the consistent leniency of the referees, meaning the card count was far below that of recent World Cups. Whether this was because of a directive from FIFA, or down to the officials putting their heads together and deciding to use something known as common sense, I’m not sure, but it was decidedly A Good Thing. Only the Brazil v Colombia game degenerated into a foul-fest, and the players seemed to respect the officials more than usual (though still not all that much). This reluctance to brandish cards, however, led to several instances where players were probably lucky to stay on the field. Off the top of my head, I can think of: Neymar clouting Luka Modric with a stray arm, Paul Pogba kicking out at Wilson Palacios, Diego Godin elbowing Daniel Sturridge in the throat yet avoiding a second yellow card, likewise Junior Diaz after scything down Arjen Robben in the quarter-final, Thiago Silva bringing down Robben (again) as the last man and Javier Mascherano fouling his way through extra-time in the final. The most obvious red card offence, though, must be that committed by Sergio Aguero when he jumped for a header with Bastian Schweinsteiger (who took quite a lot of punishment from Argentina) and swung his fist into the German’s face, felling him, and causing a nasty cut below the eye. Considering Aguero was already on a yellow card, the only logical explanation for his avoiding a red was that he had possession of a number of incriminating text messages from the Italian referee.

Biggest Commentating Blunder
I tried, as much as possible, to avoid watching any build-up, halt-time analysis or post-match debrief, so I can’t really comment on the punditry at this World Cup. What I did see taught me that, even if Fabio Cannavaro is best defender of the last 20 years, and a decent man to boot, he’s not going to add much insightful analysis to an English-watching public if his grasp of English is sketchy. Otherwise, I hear Robbie Savage was self-congratulatory, Ian Wright was Tigger-esque, Thierry Henry was smoother than a glass of port served in a velvet glass and Chris Waddle spoke a lot of sense. As for the commentators, I was in no way offended by Phil Neville, and anyone who actually took the time to officially complain about him needs to have a long hard look at themselves, but found Danny Murphy too talkative, Clarke Carlisle too much of a try-hard (the reason Jackson Martinez struggles to get into the Ecuador starting XI is that he’s Colombian, obviously) and Mark Lawrenson just plain irritating. We all had a good chuckle though at Jonathan Pearce as he displayed righteous indignation over the goal-line technology which worked perfectly. When Martin Keown is acting as the voice of reason, you know things aren’t going well. Special mention must be made to all those cretinous tabloid journalists who thought vanishing spray could make things vanish.

Most Obvious Case of History Repeating Itself: Manuel Neuer v Gonzalo Higuain
I reckon I know the rules of football fairly well; I can explain the offside rule without the use of condiments; I’ve read many editions of You are the Ref in The Observer. But it seems I have overlooked a small subsection of the rule on fouls. Apparently, if you are a German goalkeeper and you are forced to dash from your goal to try and foil an opposition player who has broken clear, then the usual rules don’t apply – you can do what you want. For Harald Schumacher’s foul on Patrick Battiston in the 1982 semi-final, read Manuel Neuer taking out Gonzalo Higuain in this year’s final. Thankfully the consequences weren’t as severe for Higuain as they were for the unconscious Battiston, but Neuer did recklessly catch the Argentinian striker a potentially serious blow on the side of the head with his knee as he punched the ball away. The upshot of this collision? A free-kick to Germany, against Higuain for viciously not getting out of the way of a flying German.

Best National Anthem: Argentina
The Argentinian national anthem is actually about four minutes long but they only allow the introduction to be played at football matches, hence the lack of singing, but what a piece of music it is. It’s like listening to an opera overture – full of life and hope – not like England’s dreary effort which, along with having the world’s most unimaginative lyrics, is possibly the dullest tune I have ever had the misfortune of singing. No wonder the national team play so uninspiringly, having to listen to that emotionless turd of an anthem before a match.

Biggest Muppet(s): Players who cry
Lots of candidates for this award. Luis Suarez made an early bid by chewing on the Italian defence. Jonathan Pearce didn’t exactly cover himself in glory by not knowing the difference between ‘a goal’ and ‘not a goal.’ However football has reached a new nadir with its latest fad – crying. After a calamitous defeat, what better way to divert your nation’s vitriol than turning on the waterworks? David Luiz expertly showed the world his teary-eyed skills after a particularly generous performance against the Germans. Similarly, the Argentinians must have been chopping onions just after the full time whistle in the final because they immediately fell to the ground with tears welling-up in their eyes. It’s not just the footballers though. Football fans are just as bad, blubbing away like four year-olds as their team heads for an early exit (Brazil were notable culprits here). A grown adult crying because his team hasn’t won a football match? Shameful.

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World Cup so far

  • So far, the football’s been rather good

According to most experts, there hasn’t been a decent World Cup in terms of the quality of football since 1986 (in other words in my football-watching lifetime).  This is a little unfair, as I think the 1998 tournament was pretty exciting, while 2006, in particular the group stages, had its moments, but it does mean that people of my generation have been deprived of the chance to go misty-eyed over the footballing nirvana that occurred in say 1970 or 1982.  With the gradual homogenisation of playing styles, what should be a month long feast of football often turns into a damp picnic where everyone’s only brought crisps and dips.

This year, however, the quality of play has been almost unremittingly excellent.  Most teams have attacked with the clear purpose of trying to score, rather than trying to kill a few minutes while the other team chases the ball.  The sheer speed and incisiveness of counter-attacks means that some matches have resembled a basketball match in the way play has fluctuated from end to end (in particular the last 10 minutes of both Switzerland v Ecuador and Colombia v Ivory Coast), and, although as any football purist knows a lack of goals doesn’t necessarily equal a lack of entertainment, there have been an average of 2.93 goals per game, which, if such a scoring rate continues, would be the highest average since 1970.  Dud games have been very few and far between – Iran v Nigeria, Russia v South Korea, England v Costa Rica – and serve almost as a palate cleanser within some rich Heston Blumenthal taster menu.

  • The big name players haven’t disappointed

The pressure to perform well must be greater at the World Cup than at any other stage in a player’s career.  The status of the tournament means that a good performance is likely to enhance your reputation in perpetuity (Toto Schillaci is still fondly remembered despite doing nothing of note in his international career outside Italia ’90), while the fact it occurs only every four years means that you only have very few chances to make your mark.

Lionel Messi has, over the last 6 years, been the best footballer in the world.  His performances for Barcelona have been ludicrously good – at times it has seemed unfair on the opposition.  Yet he was merely adequate in 2010, and some have said he can’t be considered a true all-time great until he shines at a World Cup.  This time round he has scored four goals, including a sumptuous last minute curler against Iran and an insouciant free-kick against Nigeria, embarked on a couple of improbable dribbles, and looked like the player we have drooled over at club level.

Arjen Robben has been mesmeric, almost impossible to shake off the ball; Neymar, with the added pressure of being the poster boy for the host nation, has dragged an otherwise mediocre Brazil team to a higher lever; James Rodriguez, Colombia’s main man after Radmael Falcao’s injury, has lit up the tournament with his wand-like left foot;  Karim Benzema has led France’s attack beautifully;  Luis Suarez (penchant for biting aside) won Uruguay’s match against England with two deadly pieces of finishing.  The only two high-profile players who arguably haven’t shone are Cristiano Ronaldo, who is suffering with a knee injury and his teammates’ fear of passing to anyone else but him, and Wayne Rooney, who has been perfectly decent, but now surely cannot be called a world-class player ever again.  As exciting as it is to find some hitherto unheard of gem who plays blindingly well before fading into obscurity, there’s nothing like watching the best in the world play to their potential.

  • The defending’s been a little bit crap

Having praised the exciting football we’ve seen, it must be said that the standard of defending hasn’t been particularly high.  Each of the potential winners has a defensive weakness.  Brazil?  David Luiz is a blunder-in-waiting, whilst whenever Dani Alves and Marcelo bomb forward from full-back, there is a huge amount of unattended space behind them.  Colombia?  They looked very vulnerable against the Ivory Coast, and there is alarming lack of pace at centre back, although the 38-year-old Mario Yepes has so far been probably the best defender of the tournament.  Holland?  Their defence struggled against Australia.  Argentina?  Both Iran and Nigeria created several clear chances against them, and Marcos Rojo doesn’t instil much confidence.  Germany?  They don’t have any proper full-backs, and were cumbersome against Ghana.  France?  They have looked the strongest defensively so far, with Raphael Varane in particular strolling through matches, but neither Mahamadou Sakho nor Laurent Koscielny alongside him are particularly reliable.  There just don’t seem to be many calm dominating centre-backs a la Fabio Cannavaro, Alessandro Nesta or Rio Ferdinand in 2002 around any more.

  • The referees have been lenient

At the time of writing (20 minutes from the end of the Portugal v Ghana game) there have been an average 2.59 yellow cards per game, compared with an average of 3.77 per game four years ago.  This suggests one of two things – either the players are committing fewer caution-worthy fouls or the referees are being more lenient.  I would suggest it is the latter.  In previous tournaments there have been several unjust red cards – Zola for Italy v Nigeria in 1994, Lucic for Sweden v Germany in 2006 and Cahill for Australia v Germany (again) in 2010 spring to mind – but other than Claudio Marchisio against Uruguay, none of the 8 red cards shown this time round could be deemed unjust by any stretch of the imagination.  On the contrary, there are several occasions when a player has been rather lucky to escape a sending off, such as Paul Pogba against Honduras or Neymar in the opening game against Croatia.

It’s not as if the players have been any less robust in their tackling – Honduras’ brutal battering of France was hilarious to watch (if not to be on the receiving end of presumably), while Ghana are giving the Portuguese players a bit of a kicking at the time of writing, and the leniency of the referees seems to have led to less diving.  Other than Thomas Muller’s playacting that led to Pepe’s red card (although Pepe’s brainless idiocy was a factor), and Luis Suarez, who is a special case, I can’t think of any obvious examples of a player feigning injury to get an opponent into trouble.

  • The knockout stages have a lot to live up to

There are many more reasons why this World Cup has been particularly enjoyable – Greece’s last minute penalty winner to qualify for the second round was a moment of high drama, Robin van Persie’s diving header was the high point in Holland’s astonishing and empire-toppling thrashing of Spain, Tim Cahill gave two outstanding performances for Australia, culminating in his crashing volley against Holland, France’s squad contains some of the worst haircuts ever seen this side of Shoreditch (Sakho, Pogba, Griezmann and Sagna being particularly objectionable), Costa Rica have proved that solid teamwork will always beat a collection of seemingly more talented individuals, Mexico and Holland have resuscitated the 5-3-2 formation, and Igor Akinfeev has proved that Fabio Capello is incapable of selecting a goalkeeper that can catch the ball.  In the last few tournaments, the high stakes nature of the knockout rounds has meant they have been less enjoyable than the group stages, with far more cagey football being played.  Let’s hope that isn’t the case this time.

The Premier League Awards 2014

The red carpet has been swept.  The orchestra is tuning up.  The MC is nervously checking cue cards and sucking cough sweets.  Yes, ladies and gentleman, it is time for the inaugural annual alternativesportsblog Premier League Awards for outstanding achievement or underachievement for achievements achieved during the 2013/14 Premier League season (snappy title I think you’ll agree).  Sadly the winners of these prestigious awards haven’t as yet got back to us to confirm which date would be best for them to hold the actual ceremony (for England’s players, obviously any date from the start of the World Cup 2nd round), so while we await their responses (probably a problem at the sorting office or something) here are the winners.

Player of the Year: Luis Suarez

An extremely close call this one – the two outstanding players this season have been Suarez and Yaya Toure.  Toure is an outstanding talent, probably the most complete player in the world (I can’t think of anyone else who could hold his own so well in every outfield position), and I agree with him that he doesn’t have the status in world football he deserves.  His passing is immaculate, his energy relentless, his penalty taking nerveless, his free-kicks Beckham-esque, and the precision of his long range curler against Fulham was beautiful (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdMC8nAG_Qk).  However, Suarez has that magical ability to make crowds gasp in amazement at some of his play.  This quality doesn’t necessarily make a great player (Adel Taarabt is by far the most talented player I’ve ever seen, and no-one thinks he should be player of the year), but this season Suarez has allied it to deadly finishing and some bewitching link-up play.  Yes he’s a bit of a prat, but, similar to Dennis Bergkamp at Arsenal, his vision and style has lifted the performance of those around him, leading to some dazzling football from Liverpool’s front five this season.

Goal of the Year:

RDW: Jack Wilshere (Arsenal v Norwich)  There have been quite a few crackers this season –Wayne Rooney v West Ham and Jonjo Shelvey v Aston Villa both showcased quickness of thought and superb technique, while Alexander Tettey’s volley for Norwich v Sunderland was the sort of shot that ends of knocking over someone’s Bovril 99 times out of 100.  Pajtim Kasami’s homage a Van Basten against Crystal Palace was wonderfully controlled as was Morgan Amaltifano’s effort v Cardiff, and I’ve got a soft spot for Tomas Rosicky’s goal against Sunderland, a brilliant finish to a lovely move.  My favourite, though, is another Arsenal team goal, a bewildering move featuring Santi Cazorla, Olivier Giroud and Jack Wilshere.  The speed of thought is astonishing as before you know it Wilshere is tapping a deceptively cute volley past John Ruddy following an evisceration rarely seen this side of a post mortem.  Even in slow motion, you can’t quite believe that Wilshere’s flick with the back of the heel to Giroud actually happened.

DDW: Pajtim Kasami (Crystal Palace vs Fulham)  I can’t believe there’s even a debate about this.  The way Kasami controls the ball on his chest and shoots first time without breaking stride beggars belief.  The fact that he had the audacity to even attempt such a shot from such an acute angle is a feat in itself.  Obvious comparisons will be made to Marco Van Basten’s goal in the 1988 European Championship final.  Kasami’s isn’t quite in that league but it more than deserves the incredible honour that is our goal of the season award.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9IkIKpmnVM)

Honourable Mentions:

Jonjo Shelvey Swansea vs Aston Villa (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxAl2PcCigg)

Alexander Tettey Norwich vs Sunderland (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18ypx2NinTw)

Jack Wilshere Arsenal vs Norwich (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNMKlFkDEKs)

Manager of the Year: Tony Pulis

If Manuel Pellegrini wasn’t such a nice bloke, you’d suspect he might be getting a bit irked at having won two trophies, in some considerable style too, yet being barely mentioned as a potential manager of the year, but the truth is such an achievement was the minimum requirement given the resources at his disposal.  Brendan Rodgers did a magnificent job at Liverpool, encouraging his team to produce some of the most exhilarating football ever seen in the Premier League, but he was either unable or unwilling to adapt his tactics for the crucial home match with Chelsea, where perhaps more patience was required.  Pulis took over a dispirited Crystal Palace side, seemingly lacking in any sort of ability and bereft of last season’s leading scorer (Glenn Murray) and best player (Wilfried Zaha), and turned them into a resilient mid-table outfit.  A bit like Stoke really.  He even managed to turn Damien Delaney (who I watched from behind my hands at QPR) into something resembling a Premier League defender, which is no mean feat.

Tosser of the Year: Jose Mourinho

As always, a hotly contested category, with Vincent Tan’s treatment of Malky Mackay, along with his appointment of the work experience boy Alisher Apsalyamov as head of recruitment, meaning he scores quite high on the tosser-o-meter, but Jose Mourinho has been constantly graceless, classless, hypocritical and generally obnoxious.  For some reason when he first arrived in English football in 2004, the press fawned all over him, lapping up his egotistical schtick.  This time round, however, he’s a little older, a little greyer, and even less likeable, with his post-match press conferences consisting of little more than poisonous barbs aimed at other managers, the FA, and referees.  It is little wonder that members of his Chelsea team (whether on the pitch or off) regularly lose control, if their manager is always behaving like a spoilt 6-year-old.

Best Match: Liverpool 3-2 Manchester City

Obvious, perhaps, but a real feast of attacking football between by far the two most entertaining teams in the league.  Liverpool, as was customary in the second half of the season, started like a train, racing into a two goal lead, before a combination of David Silva’s invention and Liverpool’s defensive clusterfuckery (it’s a real word, honest) allowed City to equalise.  Momentum was with City, but, in what appeared to be a pivotal moment, Vincent Kompany sliced a clearance to allow Philippe Coutinho to score the winner.  Combined with the emotions involved with the 25th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster, it was a truly unforgettable game.  Honourable mentions must go to Everton 3-3 Liverpool, Manchester City 6-3 Arsenal and the last 11 minutes of Crystal Palace 3-3 Liverpool.

Best Signing: Wilfried Bony

There have been several shrewd signings this season, but none with the impact of Robin van Persie or Michu from last season.  Everton bought James McCarthy, worth less than half a Marouane Fellaini apparently, who was the model of consistency, while a couple of loan signings, Gareth Barry and Romelu Lukaku, were their most influential players.  Chelsea have done some marvellous business, re-signing Nemanja Matic (albeit for 7 times more than what they sold him for), while both Andre Schurrle and Willian look like they will have a more prominent part to play next year.  And Jason Puncheon, one penalty aside, has brought pace and creativity to an otherwise prosaic Crystal Palace attack.  Bony, however, has been utterly crucial for Swansea this season, scoring 30% of their Premier League goals, and being frankly a right pain to play against.  In another season, Swansea could have been one of those teams that are ‘too good to go down.’  They were lucky that this year’s league contained plenty of teams that were too shit to stay up.

Worst Signing: Ricky van Wolfswinkel

If there were few candidates for best signing of the season, then the shortlist for worst signing carried on to a second piece of A4.  Pretty much everyone that Liverpool signed in the summer was poor, particularly Iago Aspas and the rarely spotted Luis Alberto, while Cardiff signed Andreas Cornelius for a large fee before selling him back whence he came for a couple of welsh cakes and book of part-songs.  Fulham splurged £11 million on Kostas Mitroglou, who would apparently bang in the goals to keep them up.  He played for a grand total of 153 minutes and looked as likely to score as a spotty teenage chess player at the Miss World afterparty.  Marouane Fellaini cost Manchester United an arm and a leg, and then spent the remainder of the season wandering around the field looking utterly petrified in case he made a mistake.  All these players would be worthy winners, but van Wolfswinkel has been utterly abysmal – he fluked a goal on the first day of the season, and since then failed to contribute at all to a pretty sterile Norwich attack.  For £8.5 million, surely a little more was expected.

Goalkeeping performance of the season: Tim Krul (Tottenham Hotspur vs Newcastle United)

Literally, and I’m not being hyperbolic here, one of the great performances of modern times.  The Dutch stopper has been one of the Toon’s most consistent performers in recent seasons, but this took the biscuit.  Spurs had 20+ shots on goal and 14 on target but still big Tim wouldn’t let them score.  One save from a Christian Eriksen free kick will live long in the memory.  And it all contributed to a smash-and-grab win for Newcastle. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GmULt7_cYI)

Pass of the season: Steven Gerrard (Fulham vs Liverpool)

I was watching this match in a bar in New York and I pretty much had to go and change my pants after seeing this pass.  The outside-of-the-foot technique, the vision to see Daniel Sturridge’s run, the perfect weight of pass so Sturridge didn’t have to break stride.  Even writing about it is getting me strangely aroused.  Thank god Sturridge managed to score otherwise Gerrard and I may have never forgiven him.  If you’re in bed with your partner tonight and the old magic isn’t really happening, forget Viagra.  This is all the aphrodisiac you’ll need. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-STfxqWxKRA)

Own-Goal of the season: Kolo Toure (Fulham vs Liverpool)

Quite a few contenders here.  In terms of volume, own-goal specialist Martin Skrtel did his utmost to get the award.  Vincent Kompany also threw his hat into the ring with a finish of pinpoint accuracy and finesse that most strikers could only dream of, Fulham the beneficiaries again (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nkiry9DQ6Jo).  But it was Kolo Toure, good old trusty Kolo, who wins the year’s most coveted award.  And what a goal it was.  It had everything.  A daisy-cutter of a cross, absolutely no pressure on the defence, the classic comical sliced clearance that seemed beyond the realms of physics leaving the goalkeeper no chance.  Clinical Kolo.  Everything one could want from an own-goal and more.  Toure has the sort of malco-ordination that makes Bambi look like she could take on Torvil & Dean in their pomp, and god bless him for it.  He provides Premier league audiences with hours of entertainment and long may it continue. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3w1aiQIFdMg)

Worst decision of the season: Raheem Sterling offside Manchester City vs Liverpool

Not that I’m biased, but as a Liverpool fan, this was an absolutely atrocious decision and obviously completely affected the final outcome of the title.  Had Sterling not been flagged offside when he was clearly two yards onside, Liverpool would have (probably) at worst, drawn the game, Steven Gerrard wouldn’t have slipped against Chelsea, and Liverpool would have won the league at a canter.  All the fault of some poxy linesman. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0s2XHIxOGVA)

Worst haircut of the season:  Sergio Aguero

It’s tempting to give the award to Olivier Giroud because, unlike Aguero, he doesn’t have the footballing talent to back up such an outrageous barnet which made him look all the more ridiculous.  But for the short-back-and-sides-comb-over, our winner is the little Argentine striker.  As the season went on, the sides got shorter and the comb-over got more luscious – and given he spent a proportion of the campaign on the sidelines, he had plenty of time to sack his barber.  Alas he didn’t, and it seems Aguero recommended him to Southampton trio Jay Rodriguez, Adam Lallana and Luke Shaw.  Oh for the days of Jason Lee and his pineapple.

The Luis Suarez conundrum

Luis Suarez is one of the most prodigiously talented players to grace the Premier League.  But events on Sunday afternoon once again confirmed many people’s view that the Uruguayan’s behaviour has no place on a football field.  If you didn’t see/hear about it, Suarez sunk his teeth into the forearm of his marker, Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic during an attack for his team, Liverpool.  This was an action that would look out of place in an under-10’s match, let alone an important Premier League clash broadcast around the globe.  What sort of message does this send to aspiring young footballers, followers of Liverpool football club and the rest of the world?  An extremely negative one at best.  This beggars the question does Suarez have a future at Liverpool?

 

            Sunday’s incident is not Suarez’s first transgression in English football.  In December 2011 he was found guilty of racially abusing Manchester United defender Patrice Evra and received an 8-match ban.  Whilst playing for Ajax he was suspended for biting another opponent, Otman Bakkal.  His controversial deliberate handball in the 2010 World Cup quarter-final stopped a certain goal for Ghana which would have won them the game and a place in the semi-final.  Suarez has also clashed with a few managers on the subject of diving, most notably Tony Pulis and David Moyes.  He’s had his fair share of controversy.

 

            Before we publicly crucify Luis Suarez we should also remember that there have been a few other footballing bad-boys that have committed crimes and served their time.  Eric Cantona was not exactly the embodiment of a saint but is feted as one of the finest foreigners to play in England.  Cantona physically assaulted a member of the crowd, via a kung-fu kick in 1995.  Is that really worse than a bite on the arm of an opponent?  True, Cantona received a lengthy ban (9 months), but the footballing fraternity forgave him.  New Sunderland Paolo Di Canio infamously pushed referee Paul Alcock in 1998 and also received a lengthy ban, but is remembered fondly by the majority of football fans too.  Will we look back in 10 years’ time and recall Suarez with such misty-eyed emotion as a loveable rogue?  I severely doubt it.

 

            The conundrum with Suarez is that he comes from a culture where ‘cheating’ and conning the referee are seen as admirable traits.  If you watch Suarez closely in games he is forever trying to gain an advantage over an opponent by maybe a tug of the shirt here, an elbow in the ribs there or little push.  This is all part and parcel of being a successful Premier League striker (Alan Shearer carved a career out of it).  It is Suarez’s job to score goals for his team and he is as determined as anyone I have ever seen to put the ball in the net.  He will try anything and in his view, it is up to the referee to spot his little indiscretions.  If he commits a little foul but the referee doesn’t spot it, then all the better.  This is an attitude entirely alien to the British psyche, where honesty, integrity and fair play are valued higher than a ruthless will to win (almost certainly a reason why England has failed so frequently on the international stage).  This is why Suarez’s actions, whilst indefensible in this case, generally sit so uneasily with English football fans.

 

            His club have reacted in an appropriate manner – fining him and publicly denouncing his behaviour.  Suarez has himself apologised to Ivanovic and admitted an FA charge – but in his view a three-match ban should be sufficient.  The FA have other ideas and have slapped him with a 10-match suspension which, if upheld, will see Suarez out of action until late September.  Many former players have called for Suarez to be sold as his actions are not befitting of a Liverpool professional.  This reeks of double standards.  Is assaulting someone in a bar behaviour befitting of a Liverpool captain (Steven Gerrard 2008)?  Although he was officially acquitted, I’ve seen the CCTV, and he was guilty as sin.  Is dancing naked with a stripper at the club’s Christmas party (Jamie Carragher) befitting of a Liverpool professional?  Absolutely not.  I’m not trying to defend Suarez’s actions, no-one can, but I’m putting it into some sort of context.    In England, it is more socially acceptable to be drunk in public than to go down in the area under pressure.  In Uruguay, the opposite is true.  Almost all top English professional footballers have transgressed in one way or another but we, the public, forgive them (witness the public perception of David Beckham in contrast to 1998).  We should do the same to Suarez.  He has apologised.  End of story. Suarez deserves his ban lengthy ban – 10 matches is a bit steep in my opinion, but the FA is clamping down on serious foul play and this is to be commended; plus, Suarez is a serial offender.  He should accept the ban – vow to improve his behaviour and move on from this episode and continue to showcase his undoubted talents.

 

            There has been recent debate on whether Suarez has damaged the club’s image irreparably and that Liverpool should cut their losses and sell him.  I agree with Graeme Souness that the Uruguayan is entering ‘the last chance saloon’ with Liverpool.  There is no doubt that his behaviour must improve – if he is suspended for 6-8 games per season Liverpool are missing out on his talents for almost a fifth of the campaign and that is not good enough.  But can Liverpool afford to lose him?  I dread to think where Liverpool would be without Suarez.  His form this season has been nothing short of superb; he has been, over the course of the campaign, the most consistently excellent player in the Premier League and fully deserving of his PFA Player of the Year nomination.  His 30 goals this season are 20 more than the next Liverpool player, and if he is sold, you imagine that the club would struggle to attract a player of equal calibre, especially if, as looks likely, they fail to qualify for Europe.  They might get £40 million for Suarez but what use is £40 million if you can’t replace him with someone of equal ability?  Players of Suarez’s ability aren’t exactly two-a-penny.  The manager Brendan Rogers is trying to build a lasting legacy at Liverpool and the Uruguayan is at the centre of that plan.  To remove such an integral piece of the jigsaw would deal Liverpool a huge blow and set them back to the dark days of Hodgson.  Andy Carroll might even have to come back.  It’s simply not worth contemplating.