World Cup Awards 2014

It’s all over. Finished. After 31 days of blanket media coverage, tense and exciting and football and the frankly disturbing sight of Gordon Strachan in shorts, the 2014 World Cup is at an end. Up and down the country bleary-eyed blokes are re-acquainting themselves with their partners, desperately trying to remember what they used to do with their evenings (I speak from personal experience), while football hipsters take a moment off from deciding whether to go for crimson, salmon or magenta trousers today to wonder if spending £10 million on Divock Origi on the basis of a reasonable 15 minutes against Russia is a good idea and how to justify the purchase of a season ticket to Borussia Moenchengladbach.
Lots of the recent rhetoric over the tournament has been over whether this has been THE BEST WORLD CUP EVER. After the group stage, the general consensus was ‘yes,’ at the end of the quarter-finals the answer had changed to ‘no, definitely not,’ and the current trend of thought is ‘yes, but…’ In comparison to recent World Cups, and in particular the turgid snooze-fest that occurred in South Africa, this tournament has been a breath of fresh air. Even the goal-light knockout stages were big on tension and drama (penalty shoot-outs always help); most teams continued to commit to attacking play, and even those that didn’t were admirable in their defensive organisation and stubbornness.
Yet, despite all the entertainment there still persists the feeling that the tournament as a whole lacked a certain what the Germans would call Ich weiβ nicht was. Great tournaments of the past have been illuminated by great teams and great individuals (Hungary 1954, Holland and West Germany 1974, Brazil 1982, Maradona 1986, Ronaldo 1998). History may yet inform us that this Germany team will go on to be great – the average age of the starting XI was 27 years 271 days and, with the exception of Miroslav Klose, Philipp Lahm and possibly Bastian Schweinsteiger, you would expect them all to be around for 2018 at least – but at the moment they are merely extraordinarily promising.
There were, however, two epoch-defining matches, matches which will, in years to come, still be discussed in the awed tones with which people of a certain generation talk about Italy v Brazil in 1982, or even Hungary v Uruguay in 1954. I am referring, of course, to Spain 1 Holland 5 and Germany 7 Brazil 1. Neither game can be described as a classic, given the result was obvious long before the end, but in the dethroning of one of the most successful international teams of all time, and the brutal destruction of the fragile Brazilian dream of a sixth World Cup victory, on home soil to boot, we witnessed two great World Cup stories.
Anyway, enough chat – it’s now time for some awards. For non-German recipients, hopefully the knowledge that they have aroused the admiration of two such discerning football watchers as us will be consolation for not winning the actual tournament itself.

Best Player: Arjen Robben (Netherlands)
RDW: I know the Adidas –sponsored Lionel Messi won the Adidas-sponsored FIFA Golden Ball (otherwise known as the FIFA Award for the Highest-Profile Player to have had a Half-Decent Tournament), but there can’t be too many who seriously believe he deserved the award. James Rodriguez and Juan Cuadrado were outstanding in an aesthetically-pleasing Colombia team, while Neymar coped with the extreme pressure of being the hosts’ poster-boy admirably. Further back, Javier Mascherano raised his game to almost obscene levels in the semi-final and final, while Phillip Lahm is, without wishing to conform too much to national stereotypes, probably the most efficient footballer in the world – he just never does anything wrong. However, in every game he played Robben looked by far and away the most dangerous player on the pitch. He has the rare ability to run as fast with the ball as without it, and the way he toyed with Spain’s defenders prior to his second goal was mesmeric. If only he passed the ball occasionally.
Best Player: Philipp Lahm (Germany)
DDW: I have run out of superlatives to describe this most underrated of players. Lahm started off in central midfield but was moved by Joachim Löw to his favoured right-back position and what an inspired move it turned out to be. There are other more flashy full-backs in world football, but none more effective. Yes Götze, Kroos and Müller may have grabbed the headlines for Deutschland but they would not have been the assured footballing machine without their captain marvel Lahm. He does the donkey work behind the scenes – selflessly overlapping, brilliantly tackling, confidently passing. A World Cup that was full of goals and attacking football and still a defender wins our best player award (no FIFA/Adidas Messi love-in here). That’s how good Lahm is.

Best Goal: Tim Cahill v Holland
There were some pretty fruity goals in Brazil – Lionel Messi v Iran and Xherdan Shaqiri v Honduras both floated inside from the right before curling a delightful left-footer inside the far corner, Andre Schürrle v Algeria and David Villa v Australia treated us to a couple of lovely backheel flicks, and James Rodriguez’s delicate finish against Japan was delicious, but I’m not being particularly controversial when I say there are three goals that really stood out. Robin van Persie’s diving header lob against Spain was a triumph of innovation, while the aforementioned Rodriguez brilliantly found space against Uruguay before chesting the ball down and nonchalantly stroking the ball in on the volley off the underside of the crossbar. As everyone knows, any goal that goes in via the crossbar is scientifically proven to be 72% more enjoyable than one that does not, so this is a very strong candidate, but Cahill’s effort during Australia’s thrilling yet ultimately futile display against the Dutch is, in my opinion, marginally better, mainly because he hit it first time, so technically it was trickier to pull off. Given the respective talent of Rodriguez and Cahill, you would say that maybe the Australian was a little lucky, but the sheer brutality and exhilaration of his shot gives it the edge.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/25285148

Best Team: Germany
No contest here really. They were the best, end-of. FIFA could have named the entire German side as the Team of the Tournament and no-one could have complained. They even managed to accommodate the pedestrian Mesut Özil. In goal, Manuel Neuer is a commanding presence, even if he does give his defenders the willies with his marauding runs out of his area. The defence of Mats Hummels, Jerome Boateng, Per Mertesacker, Benedikt Höwedes and the aforementioned Lahm were solid as a rock. The tigerish Bastian Schweinsteiger harassed the opposition constantly, allowing the creative Sami Khedeira and Toni Kroos to wreak havoc. At 36, Miroslav Klose looked a bit off the pace but he still managed two fox-in-box style finishes (as many as the entire England team). And the piece de resistance was the tireless Thomas Müller who, despite his questionable on-field behaviour, found the net with regularity. If that wasn’t enough, Andre Schurrle and Mario Götze could be called upon from the bench. An embarrassment of riches.

Worst Team: Honduras
England did their utmost to claim this prize but were just pipped to the post by the Hondurans. Football was an added extra as far as Honduras were concerned because they spent most of the time assaulting, kicking and fouling any member of the opposition unfortunate enough to be in the vague vicinity of the ball. Wilson Palacios stamped his authority (literally) on Paul Pogba in Honduras’ opening match against France, eventually getting himself sent-off after a series of ill-timed challenges, and as captain, set an example to his teammates that they admirably followed. Their saving grace was having possibly the best-named player at the World Cup in striker Carlo (insert relevant pun) Costly.

Best Defence: Costa Rica
Even if Costa Rica’s games weren’t the most exciting to watch, particularly once they’d qualified for the knockout stage, their defensive organisation and determination was admirable, showing that good coaching, discipline and trust in your teammates’ ability to adhere to a plan can be the springboard for success. Having the seemingly unbeatable Keylor Navas in goal was obviously a bit of a help – the Levante keeper with apparently 3 arms and 4 legs displayed positional excellence and startling reflexes – but the 5 players in front of him knew their job inside out, with central defensive duo Giancarlo Gonzalez and Oscar Duarte particularly impressive. Gonzalez gave probably the defensive performance of the tournament against Holland (tied with Jerome Boateng in the final), and I’d be staggered if he’s still at Columbus Crew come the end of the summer.

Best Save: Rais M’Bohli from Phillip Lahm, Algeria v Germany
RDW: The ball is laid back for Lahm, 22 yards from goal. The German skipper shoots powerfully first time, right-footed, the ball accurately curling away from the keeper, homing in on the top right-hand corner. M’Bohli, just behind the six-yard line reacts immediately and springs to his right, stretching for all his worth. It looks as though the ball has beaten him, but he just manages to get the merest touch, deflecting the ball inches wide. An astonishing save, slightly better in my opinion than any of Guillermo Ochoa’s reflex saves against Brazil or Holland, Tim Howard’s stretch to deny Portugal’s Eder and Keylor Navas’ making himself as big as possible to stop Kostas Mitroglu snatching victory for Greece against Costa Rica.
Here are M’Bohli’s best bits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrS6UCTel8E

Best Save: Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico v Holland)
DDW: There were a plethora of top goalkeeping performances in Brazil (Tim Howard v Belgium springs to mind) but the best save must go to Mexico’s stopper, Guillermo Ochoa, who from point-blank range somehow managed to deflect Daley Blind’s volley from Arjen Robben’s corner onto a post. A phenomenal effort.
Here are some of Ochoa’s highlights made by one of those youtube goons who have far too much time on their hands: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pax9GQny7tE

Best Pass: Lionel Messi (Argentina)
Get your Kleenex at the ready because this pass is technically pornography. Daley Blind’s 60-yarder for Robin Van Persie’s infamous header against Spain set the benchmark but Messi’s effort blew it out of the water. The vision to see Angel Di Maria’s run and the perfect weight of pass so Di Maria didn’t have to break stride, get me a bit hot under the collar. It’s a shame Di Maria couldn’t give the pass the fitting finish it so richly deserved.

Worst Miss: Sergio Busquets (Spain v Chile)
A category teeming with potential, Sergio Busquets is the winner of possibly the most coveted award of the tournament. With the goal literally at his mercy, Busquets decides that this is his time in the spotlight – a goal for his nation at the World Cup. But he sees an even greater prize, the opportunity to feature in Worst Misses compilation videos for years to come, and he doesn’t disappoint – sidefooting wide when it would have been easier to score. The phrase ‘my mum could have scored that’ is widely overused but in this case it is wholeheartedly applicable.
Those kind chaps at FIFA have even compiled a little video: http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/videos/y=2014/m=7/video=fifa-com-s-choice-some-of-the-biggest-misses-of-the-2014-fifa-world-cu-2405478.html

Biggest Disappointment: Belgium
There were a few candidates for this unwanted gong – England obviously, although little was expected of them, and (I know I’m in the minority here) I didn’t think they were that bad, definitely better than in 2010; Lionel Messi’s performance in the final was particularly disappointing, especially that last-second free-kick, but in mitigation he didn’t look fully fit, clutching his hamstring throughout the second half, and even on one leg made the hitherto excellent Mats Hummels look a bit ordinary. For me, however, Belgium’s failure to live up to all the pre-tournament hype was most disappointing of all. They seem to be the natural successors to England under Sven Goran Eriksson – a team full of players who do very well in the Premier League and so therefore, according to media logic (an oxymoron if ever I’ve heard one), are among the greatest players in the world, but who under-perform on the international stage. I know that I’m being hyper-critical here – nowadays in England we’d kill for an underwhelming quarter-final exit – but, 60 minutes against the USA aside, they brought little to the tournament, and their big players – Hazard, Lukaku, Fellaini, even Vincent Kompany – were below their best.

Best Game: Brazil 1-7 Germany
Yes, it wasn’t exactly a classic and not necessarily an even contest, but the manner in which Germany dismantled the Brazilians in their backyard was one of the most awesome displays of sporting dominance I have ever seen. Aided by some very accommodating Brazilian defending (if you can even call it that), the Germans demonstrated their complete supremacy over the footballing world on the biggest stage of all. Apparently they took it easy in the second half so as to spare the Brazilian team further humiliation. How very charitable of them.

Worst Game: Iran 0-0 Nigeria
Apparently England v Costa Rica was duller than watching grass grow but I actually watched this dire bore fest and its 90 minutes of my life I won’t be getting back anytime soon. The main issue was the complete dearth of talent on either side which made creating goalscoring opportunities slightly problematic. In an effort to find a winner, Nigeria threw on that renowned goal-machine, Shola Ameobi. Says it all really. After the match Iran coach Carlos Queiroz mused, “the fans didn’t see any goals but sometimes intensity, togetherness, focus and team-spirit can make for an interesting spectacle.” No it can’t.

Luckiest Player to Avoid a Red Card: Sergio Aguero v Germany
One of the most noticeable aspects of the tournament was the consistent leniency of the referees, meaning the card count was far below that of recent World Cups. Whether this was because of a directive from FIFA, or down to the officials putting their heads together and deciding to use something known as common sense, I’m not sure, but it was decidedly A Good Thing. Only the Brazil v Colombia game degenerated into a foul-fest, and the players seemed to respect the officials more than usual (though still not all that much). This reluctance to brandish cards, however, led to several instances where players were probably lucky to stay on the field. Off the top of my head, I can think of: Neymar clouting Luka Modric with a stray arm, Paul Pogba kicking out at Wilson Palacios, Diego Godin elbowing Daniel Sturridge in the throat yet avoiding a second yellow card, likewise Junior Diaz after scything down Arjen Robben in the quarter-final, Thiago Silva bringing down Robben (again) as the last man and Javier Mascherano fouling his way through extra-time in the final. The most obvious red card offence, though, must be that committed by Sergio Aguero when he jumped for a header with Bastian Schweinsteiger (who took quite a lot of punishment from Argentina) and swung his fist into the German’s face, felling him, and causing a nasty cut below the eye. Considering Aguero was already on a yellow card, the only logical explanation for his avoiding a red was that he had possession of a number of incriminating text messages from the Italian referee.

Biggest Commentating Blunder
I tried, as much as possible, to avoid watching any build-up, halt-time analysis or post-match debrief, so I can’t really comment on the punditry at this World Cup. What I did see taught me that, even if Fabio Cannavaro is best defender of the last 20 years, and a decent man to boot, he’s not going to add much insightful analysis to an English-watching public if his grasp of English is sketchy. Otherwise, I hear Robbie Savage was self-congratulatory, Ian Wright was Tigger-esque, Thierry Henry was smoother than a glass of port served in a velvet glass and Chris Waddle spoke a lot of sense. As for the commentators, I was in no way offended by Phil Neville, and anyone who actually took the time to officially complain about him needs to have a long hard look at themselves, but found Danny Murphy too talkative, Clarke Carlisle too much of a try-hard (the reason Jackson Martinez struggles to get into the Ecuador starting XI is that he’s Colombian, obviously) and Mark Lawrenson just plain irritating. We all had a good chuckle though at Jonathan Pearce as he displayed righteous indignation over the goal-line technology which worked perfectly. When Martin Keown is acting as the voice of reason, you know things aren’t going well. Special mention must be made to all those cretinous tabloid journalists who thought vanishing spray could make things vanish.

Most Obvious Case of History Repeating Itself: Manuel Neuer v Gonzalo Higuain
I reckon I know the rules of football fairly well; I can explain the offside rule without the use of condiments; I’ve read many editions of You are the Ref in The Observer. But it seems I have overlooked a small subsection of the rule on fouls. Apparently, if you are a German goalkeeper and you are forced to dash from your goal to try and foil an opposition player who has broken clear, then the usual rules don’t apply – you can do what you want. For Harald Schumacher’s foul on Patrick Battiston in the 1982 semi-final, read Manuel Neuer taking out Gonzalo Higuain in this year’s final. Thankfully the consequences weren’t as severe for Higuain as they were for the unconscious Battiston, but Neuer did recklessly catch the Argentinian striker a potentially serious blow on the side of the head with his knee as he punched the ball away. The upshot of this collision? A free-kick to Germany, against Higuain for viciously not getting out of the way of a flying German.

Best National Anthem: Argentina
The Argentinian national anthem is actually about four minutes long but they only allow the introduction to be played at football matches, hence the lack of singing, but what a piece of music it is. It’s like listening to an opera overture – full of life and hope – not like England’s dreary effort which, along with having the world’s most unimaginative lyrics, is possibly the dullest tune I have ever had the misfortune of singing. No wonder the national team play so uninspiringly, having to listen to that emotionless turd of an anthem before a match.

Biggest Muppet(s): Players who cry
Lots of candidates for this award. Luis Suarez made an early bid by chewing on the Italian defence. Jonathan Pearce didn’t exactly cover himself in glory by not knowing the difference between ‘a goal’ and ‘not a goal.’ However football has reached a new nadir with its latest fad – crying. After a calamitous defeat, what better way to divert your nation’s vitriol than turning on the waterworks? David Luiz expertly showed the world his teary-eyed skills after a particularly generous performance against the Germans. Similarly, the Argentinians must have been chopping onions just after the full time whistle in the final because they immediately fell to the ground with tears welling-up in their eyes. It’s not just the footballers though. Football fans are just as bad, blubbing away like four year-olds as their team heads for an early exit (Brazil were notable culprits here). A grown adult crying because his team hasn’t won a football match? Shameful.

World Cup 2014

The FIFA World Cup kicks-off today and what better way to enjoy the next month of summer than cooped up in your sitting room glued to your TV for six hours a day?  Nope can’t think of one either.  The nation has been gripped by World Cup fever.  Will Wayne Rooney play?  Should Raheem Sterling start?  Can Joe Hart fit in another commercial before the opening ceremony?  All these questions and more will be answered in thealternativesportsblog’s comprehensive guide to the world’s greatest football tournament.

 

Group A (Brazil, Croatia, Cameroon, Mexico)

I am going to put my non-existent mortgage, my as yet unborn child, and basically everything I own on Brazil winning the group.  The question is who will come second?  Croatia, Cameroon and Mexico will all feel that they have a good opportunity to progress to the round of 16 and they are all capable of beating each other on their day.  I’m plumping for Croatia however.  They have a genuinely world-class playmaker in Luka Modric, a formidable striker in the shape of Mario Mandzukic and an experienced defence featuring the one-time Tottenham and Manchester City full-back Vedran Corluka.  Cameroon have an experienced squad too featuring such talent as Samuel Eto’o (playing in his fourth World Cup), Barcelona’s Alex Song, hairdressing’s Benoit Assou-Ekotto and last, and definitely least, Aston Villa flop Jean Makoun.  An all-to-familiar disagreement between the Cameroonian FA and the players has disrupted their preparations somewhat.  Could spring a surprise but I doubt it.  Mexico’s golden generation of Gerrado Torrado, Jared Borgetti and Cuauhtemoc Blanco (who apparently retired from football yesterday at the grand old age of 41 – the World Cup will be a lesser tournament without him) has passed and in their place is a team with no real stand-out individuals, save for Manchester United’s Javier Hernandez.  Rafael Marquez, 74, is still knocking around but his best days are well and truly behind him.  Expect professional flatter-to-deceiver Giovanni Dos Santos will do a few step-overs and then give the ball away a lot.  Fallers at the first hurdle I’m afraid.

 

Group B (Spain, Holland, Chile, Australia)

On paper, the Spain squad looks formidable and it is no different in real life.  They could probably have named three squads and still be a pretty good bet for the Jules Rimet trophy.  Their only area of concern is up front where one would expect monkey lookalike and new Chelsea signing Diego Costa to start, but he has hardly any international experience and is coming back from a hamstring injury that curtailed his appearance in the Champions League final.  Fernando Torres is still finding a banjo with which to attempt to hit a cow’s backside and Pedro has featured sporadically for Barcelona this season.  Nevertheless Spain won Euro 2012 without a recognised forward (instead they employed a false 9) so they should progress without breaking sweat (incidentally they have my kiss of death to win the tournament).  The Netherlands are the logical choice to qualify as runners-up but I don’t particularly like the look of their defence or midfield.  Star midfielder Wesley Sneijder hasn’t had a stellar season for Galatasary and any nation that selects a Norwich City player (Leroy Fer since you ask) must be lacking in quality personnel.  They will be relying on Robin Van Persie to fire them into the second round, but it might not be enough.  Chile are my tip to spring a surprise and pip the Dutch to 2nd place.  They have real quality throughout the team in Barcelona forward Alexis Sanchez and Juventus duo, Arturo Vidal Mauricio Isla.  Let’s gloss over the fact that recently relegated Cardiff City defender Gary Medel and Championship stalwart Gonzalo Jara of Nottingham Forest make up their defence.  They deservedly beat England 2-0 at Wembley last November and are lethal on the counter-attack.  I am delighted to announce that the whipping boys of Group B will be Australia.  With such infamous luminaries as, for example, Ryan McGowan of ‘Shandong Luneng Taishan’ and Bailey Wright of Preston North End, they will be totally out of their depth and may be on the end of some heavy tonkings.  Fingers crossed.

 

Group C (Colombia, Ivory Coast, Greece, Japan)

This is possibly the most wide-open group of the entire tournament.  Colombia were the favourites to progress until mercurial striker Rademel Falcao was ruled out through injury.  His goals will be a huge loss to Los Cafeteros (which means ‘The Coffee Growers’ apparently).  Nevertheless Porto’s Jackson Martinez has been banging them in for fun and with Monaco’s James Rodriguez and Inter Milan’s Freddy Guarin pulling the strings in midfield, he should have a plentiful supply-line.  Experienced duo Cristian Zapata and Mario Yepes will be marshalling operations in defence so Colombia could be stingy too.  In goalkeeper Faryd Mondragon, they have the tournament’s oldest player who will turn 43 during the tournament.

What of the others?  Ivory Coast have a handy attacking threat in the shape of the evergreen Didier Drogba, Yaya Toure, Gervinho and Wilfried Bony.  However in defence they have the lethal own-goal expert Kolo Toure on duty who, if own goals counted, would be a solid bet for top goalscorer.  Greece are one of those teams who really are more than the sum of their parts.  They seem to turn it on in major tournaments and don’t count them out from pulling a few rabbits out of the hat (and surprise results too) this time around.  Fulham’s new Steve Marlet, Konstantinos Mitroglu will be hoping to prove his doubters wrong alongside veteran poacher Theofanis Gekas, who will put away anything given the slightest sniff.  Led by the effervescent gorgeous Giorgos Karagounis and organised by the try-and-say-that-after-a-few-pints Sokratis Papastathopoulos they are always very difficult to beat.  Hellas may not be pretty but you can bet your bottom drachma they will be effective.  Which leaves Japan.  Traditionally a disciplined and hard-working side, the Samurai Blues have a smattering of creative talent in AC Milan’s Keisuke Honda and Manchester United’s Shinji Kagawa which makes them somewhat of a dark horse.  A tough group to call.

 

Group D (Uruguay, Italy, England, Costa Rica)

Ah, England’s group.  I’m sure the Italian and Uruguayan squads are having sleepless nights at the prospect of facing a team, who, in their most recent internationals, gallantly drew to two powerhouses of the international game in Honduras and Ecuador.  Unfortunately my patriotic side has completely deserted me and, although it pains me to say it, England will do very well to (and probably not) progress to the knockout stage.  The turgid, slow, predictable attacks will be cannon-fodder to Luis Suarez and co. against Uruguay.  Likewise the Italians will use their superior technical skill to pass England to death just like in Euro 2012.  A solitary win against Costa Rica and two unlikely draws against Uruguay and Italy are the best The Three Lions can hope for.  I expect the Italians to be at their usual miserly selves at the back – this will be captain Gianluigi Buffon’s fifth World Cup – a remarkable achievement.  Going forward my favourite player Andrea Pirlo will be pulling the strings in midfield allowing the likes of Claudio Marchisio and Marco Verratti to roam forward.  Maverick duo Antonio Cassano and Mario Balotelli will lead the line (thealternativesportsblog guarantees that one of these two will get sent off at some point).  They can even afford the luxury of naming Liverpool legend Alberto Aquilani in their squad.  Uruguay of course rely heavily on Luis Suarez and if he can return to full fitness, they have a real chance of progressing from the group.  Los Charruas are by no means a one-man team though.  La Liga, Serie A and Primeira Liga winners Diego Godin, Martin Caceres and Maxi Pereira respectively are certainly no mugs at the back.  Uruguay do play a counter-attacking game and with the likes of Atletico Madrid’s Cristian Rodriguez and PSG’s Edison Cavani joining Suarez going forward, they will be a danger to all and sundry.  Costa Rica’s chances of qualification are slim but at 34 in the FIFA rankings, they are not to be taken lightly.  Playing for Olympiakos, on-loan Arsenal forward Joel Campbell scored a cracker against United in the Champions League this season and on his day, Fulham’s Bryan Ruiz can dictate play at will.  Their defence does seem slightly suspect and if they aren’t organised at the back, they could be on the end of a few cricket scores.  Uruguay and Italy to qualify.

 

Group E (Switzerland, Ecuador, Honduras, France)

One of the weakest groups this one – France are obviously favourites to win the group, with an inexperienced, but very talented squad.  Franck Ribery’s absence through injury is a blow, as is Didier Deschamps’ refusal to call-up Samir Nasri, but in Raphael Varane and Paul Pogba they have two stars of the future.  As much as the rest of the world loves nothing more than a hilarious Gallic implosion, as in 2010, there is sadly no Raymond Domenech or Nicolas Anelka to spread discord, and I rather fancy them to make at least the quarter-finals.  Switzerland are the seeded team in this group, but I don’t think they’ll qualify here.  The Swiss have an established solid team, with the odd sprinkling of star quality in the X-Men Granit Xhaka and Xherdan Shaqiri, but may struggle with the conditions, and I feel Ecuador will grab second place.  Yes they were embarrassingly held to a 2-2 draw by England’s second-string, and their defence is weak, but they have some exhilarating dribblers, such as Jefferson Montero and Enner Valencia, and such ability will be crucial in breaking down stubborn defences.  Honduras, as they showed against England, are tough but limited, and will struggle to get more than one point.

 

Group F (Argentina, Bosnia, Iran, Nigeria)

Another weak group, once you look beyond Argentina.  The attacking potential within the Argentina squad is simply frightening – they could well play a front five of Messi, Higuain, Di Maria, Aguero and Lavezzi.  However, further back they look vulnerable.  Pablo Zabaleta has been the most consistent full-back in the Premier League over the past few seasons, but Martin Demichelis and Ezequiel Garay are both prone to brainfades, and Fernando Gago, whose calming presence in the centre of midfield is crucial to the way the (wanky show-off football term alert) albiceleste play, has been struggling for fitness.  Nevertheless if they don’t win this group I’ll eat my hat*.  As for who will join them, none of the other teams make a particularly convincing case.  Nigeria, the African Champions, are probably the most obvious candidates – they have in Vincent Enyeama a world-class keeper, and a pacy attack – but they are in poor form, and needed a last minute goal to draw with Scotland.  Bosnia have several outstanding attackers – Edin Dzeko will be their main man, ably supported by Roma’s little gem of a playmaker Miralem Pjanic, the Bundesliga star Vedad Ibisevic and potentially the strolling Zvjezdan Misimovic (think Tom Huddlestone without the dynamism) – but their defence is at best weak, and at worst a complete liability, with the captain Emir Spahic coming off a horror season at Bayer Leverkusen.  Iran are defensively solid, but have no experienced goalkeeper, and very little in creative talent, although, to be honest, my knowledge of the Iranian league is a little shaky, so there may be a potential star in there somewhere.  It seems their most potent creative force is Fulham’s Ashkan ‘moves like’ Dejagah, which isn’t a ringing endorsement.

 

Group G (Germany, Ghana, Portugal, USA)

This is definitely the tournament’s obligatory ‘Group of Death’, containing 4 teams with realistic ambitions of going deep into the knockout stages.  Many Germans aren’t feeling particularly confident about their chances, pointing out that Bastian Schweinsteiger is in poor form, Sami Khedira is recovering from a serious knee injury, Marco Reus is missing entirely and there is no striking option other than the 36-year-old Miroslav Klose, who hasn’t exactly been pulling up trees at Lazio this season.  Rubbish.  First of all they’re Germany, they always qualify.  Secondly they’ve been lining up like a Jonathan Wilson wet dream, playing a strikerless formation featuring Thomas Muller or Mario Gotze as a false nine (yes I have read Inverting the Pyramid), so Klose may not even feature that often.  Finally, they play with the confidence of a team that know each other inside-out, with many of the players having featured in the victorious European U-21 side of 2009.  Portugal aren’t quite a one man team, but Cristiano Ronaldo effectively won the play-off against Sweden on his own, and he often plays for Portugal as if he doesn’t trust any of his teammates not to screw up if he loans them the ball.  This sometimes works as he is the best player in the world and, if on song, unstoppable, but he is recovering from a slight knee injury, and the rest of the squad are nothing more than reasonable, although good things are said of Sporting Lisbon’s William Carvalho.  Ghana were famously unlucky in 2010, and bring a similar squad to Brazil, supplemented by the usual collection of talented youngsters.  Asamoah Gyan has been banging them in over the past season and a half, albeit in the UAE, while Andre Ayew (son of Pele – Abedi Pele that is) and Christian Atsu are both quick and skilful.  The USA have been beaten by Ghana at the last two tournaments, and Jurgen Klinsmann has made a bold call by omitting probably the highest-profile American player in Landon Donovan, but those in the know say this will aid team spirit, and Klinsmann isn’t convinced of the commitment of a player who took a few months of football to find himself in Cambodia in 2012.  German-raised winger Julian Green is an intriguing choice (he has been earning rave reviews for Bayern Munich’s B team), but any side that has Jozy Altidore as its main goal threat is going to struggle, and I’ll be very surprised if they make it out of the group.

 

Group H (Belgium, Algeria, Russia, South Korea)

I find this group one of the toughest to call.  There has been a lot of hype over this Belgian squad, with so many people tipping them as dark horses that they can now no longer be considered as such (in the same way that so many people asserted that Paul Scholes was underrated that he eventually became overrated).  I’m not entirely convinced that they’ll even get out of the group.  I would love them to do so, as they play exhilarating attacking football, and are the most exciting group of talent to emerge unexpectedly from a country since the Denmark team of the mid 80s (incidentally look out for the Armenia team over the next few years – you heard it here first), but I worry about their lack of tournament experience and, more particularly, their lack of proper attacking full-backs.  Jan Vertonghen, as any Spurs fan will tell you, is nobody’s idea of a decent left-back, but he is first choice for the Red Devils.  However, with the attacking verve of, among others, Eden Hazard, Axel Witsel, Kevin Mirallas and Steven Defour, they will in all probability prove me wrong, and look rather good whilst doing so.  The question is, if Belgium don’t go through, who will?  Russia are a workmanlike side, with few stars, but qualified comfortably  ahead of Portugal, and in Fabio Capello have a manager with a proven track record at translating an impressive qualifying campaign into a successful tournament (hang on a minute…).  In all seriousness though, I expect Russia to grind out 3 drab wins, with any flair being provided by the impish Alan Dzagoev.  South Korea normally stroll through the Asian qualifying campaign without breaking sweat, but this time only edged out Uzbekistan by one goal.  However, they have an experienced but relatively youthful squad, full of smart technically-adept players, boosted by the presence of Yun Suk-young, the first QPR player to go to a World Cup since Paul Parker in 1990.  I think they will surprise a few people and make the second round.  Algeria are probably the weakest of the African nations and will perform rather like they did 4 years ago.  They will be disciplined, niggly and almost entirely ambition-free, although look out for El Arbi Soudani, the slippery Dinamo Zagreb centre-forward.

 

So there you have it.  We’ve provided you with all the information you could wish for, now to let the football do the talking.  Delight in spending the next month feasting on a banquet of the world’s finest players with a side order of controversy and, in England’s case, a huge dollop of disappointment.  We can’t wait.

England not a force to be reckoned with

If England learned anything from their two friendlies against the Republic of Ireland and Brazil, it is that they are certainly no longer a major force in world football.  The manner in which they were outplayed for large swathes of the match against the Selecao was alarming – they lacked the ability to put even the most simplest of moves together – and indicative of their standing in international football, hanging on for dear life.  It does not bode well for the World Cup qualifiers where England can’t afford any slip-ups in their remaining four matches if they want to be back in Brazil this time next year.

            England do not have a terrible record this season.  In 11 internationals they have only lost once – to Zlatan Ibrahimovic – but they have also played out three 1-1 draws against Poland, Montenegro and Ukraine; not the sort of form that will be the rest of the world sleepless nights.  This apparent ability to make their rather average opponents look like world-beaters is admirable, but also slightly problematic if you’re trying to qualify for a World Cup.  Add to that another lacklustre 1-1 draw against Eire on Wednesday and it’s not been an annus mirabilis for the Three Lions.  On the one hand, after a long season a turgid performance is perhaps understandable – then again the top teams would comfortably dispatch a spirited but limited Ireland side.

            There have been some positives for the national side.  Two friendly victories against Brazil and Italy are not to be sniffed at (both are incidentally ranked lower that England in the official Fifa rankings).  The emergence of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain as a player of considerable potential is encouraging and Theo Walcott has played marginally less shite than usual this season.  Frank Lampard is enjoying an Indian summer and when Jack Wilshere plays, England have the air of a team that isn’t a steaming pile of manure – which is a positive I suppose.

            My issue with the current England team is that they never dominate supposedly lower-ranked opposition (apart from San Marino and Moldova – which is hardly that commendable).  They always seem to play just about well enough to scrape an undeserved win or to hang on for a draw.  Take, for example, the 1-1 draw in Montenegro in March.  10 of the starting 11 had won the Premier League, the other (Gerrard), everything but.  Not exactly strangers to the idea of winning a crucial match.  In the next 90 minutes, Montenegro (ranked a very respectable 27th in the world) proceeded to dominate all facets of the game, forcing England into hopeful punts up field for most of the second half in the face of heavy Montenegrin bombardment.  Now the initiated football novice would have claimed that the Montenegrins were in fact the 7th best team in the world and England the 27th such was the gulf in class, not the other way round.  In the lead up to conceding the goal, England had to defend a series of corners and the defence just didn’t take control of the situation.  Dare I say it, John Terry would have put his head in where it hurts for the team (about his only redeeming feature).  Instead the defence resembled a confused group of schoolboys who had just been asked to recite the complete works of Shakespeare in Swahili whilst enacting the exact choreography to Stravinsky’s ‘The Rite of Spring.’  It was a performance that would have had Alan Hansen tearing his hair out (or licking his lips with glee at the prospect of saying ‘terrible defending’ in his own indomitable style).

            Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised.  England haven’t played well in a major tournament since Euro 2004 and quite frankly, compared with the top European nations, they are light years behind.  Germany proved as such at the World Cup in 2010 and Italy, more recently at last year’s Euros.  One only had to watch the Champions League final to see the difference in playing style.  Dortmund and Bayern Munich were both physically and tactically adept at possession, counter-attacking, direct and tika-taka football whenever they so desired.  I was struck by the speed and incisiveness of the passing and movement.  There was always someone available to pass to, always someone in space or someone willing to make a run.  The forward lines were interchangeable making it difficult for defenders to pick them up.

England have often recently been accused of adopting tactics that are too rigid, that they play in lines instead of in a dynamic formation which operates in between the traditional 4-4-2 formation.  The truth is that the English are not intelligent enough to play such a system.  The top German/Spanish/Italian players have a footballing brain that is all too rare in this country which enables them to act on instinct.  This instinct is almost unteachable (unfortunately) because it relies on the player’s awareness of his teammates, the opposition, available space and the consequent passes he can play armed with all this information – something that takes a lifetime to absorb.  That’s without even considering the ability to actually execute these skills and the physical attributes required to compete for 90 minutes at the highest level.  Jack Wilshere is the only current England player that fits into this category.  In the last 25 years, Paul Gascoigne and Matt Le Tissier are the only players that come to mind.  The FA has recently changed its coaching blueprint, with the emphasis on technique.  This is undoubtedly a forward step because the national psyche needs to adapt and pronto at that.  For now, England may now have to accept that simply qualifying for the World Cup is an achievement in itself.